When I check my calender I find it almost impossible to believe I have been back from University six weeks. Six weeks! It seems like forever when I put it like that and I feel a stab of guilt… think of all that I could have accomplished in that time! On Googling it, as I do in nearly all situations of doubt/worry/fear, I find promises that I could have written a book, made an album, lost twenty pounds(!), grown a foetus with a ‘developing’ face and an 80bpm heart rate… but in truth, I haven’t done any of those things. I have taken, when I think about it, a well and truly earned break.
Taking a break is great, isn’t it? You can do everything you dreamed of doing whilst stuck at your desk in mountains of work! Whether that be getting out of the house more or just putting some hours into that video game you’ve been desperate to play. When I was stuck at my desk, pawing over dozens of uninspiring critical essays I found myself desperate for the freedom to write. My work was of course writing, and it was creative and expressive to some extent but what I really wanted to do was to do something ELSE, just something, ANYTHING but continue with what I was supposed to be doing. In other words, I became massively into procrastinating.
A lot of people see procrastinating as something negative, it shows a lack of motivation and self control but this can be turned around and channeled into other things so that, providing you get done what it was you were originally supposed to do, you get even more from your time! In truth, almost everything I have ever written that I wasn’t obliged to write for school/college etc. has come about when, and in a lot of cases because of, my deliberate avoidance of something else. I also took up exercising more, eating better, flossing and painting my nails… all good and useful things to do, in some respects! I donned it ‘PoPro’, or positive procrastination.
But it’s left me in a strange position. For the first time, I have the rest of my life to burn and seemingly all the time in the world to do it. Consequently, I have had six weeks of barely writing a word. Freedom has so far been fun, but stagnant. I have read books, been to shows and have just generally been getting out and doing wonderful and amazing things! But with nothing to do, exploring my responses has become something I will ‘get round to later…’ and with no-one chasing me with a pointed stick like my school days, it just doesn’t get done! All those hours of wishing away my school work and now I am almost finding myself wishing them back!
So though these six weeks haven’t been ‘wasted’, I am going to try to address this from now on. Procrastination may get a lot of criticism, but in my experience it is actually one of my main sources of my creativity and expression. So, maybe i will just have to find other ways of implementing this or just get used to setting my own targets.
My reason for publishing today, after so long? Well, nothing gets the words flowing like the thought of organising my bank statements…